Lonely to the max!

"It came over me in a rush when I realise that I love you so much..that sometimes I cry but I can't tell you why, why I feel what I feel inside.."

What’s this? Hehe..Just a chorus from one of the songs that I like. You know me and lyrics.
I tend to imagine myself going through whatever the song is about.

Am still in the office. Trying to finish as much of this budget work as I can. The floor is so empty..so quiet. Damn...I hate this assignment. My eyes dah naik juling looking at the figures. Have to take short breaks so that I don’t go crazy :). Felt like updating this blog. Putting my music at high volume so that I won’t feel so lonely.

This song reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend a few years ago. Something about finding our soulmate..our true love....How do we know if he’s/she’s the one? Have we ever thought of the what if’s? Was there ever a guy/girl that we liked so much but we didnt dare to confess for fear of rejection? It was an interesting conversation but I dont have the time to tell it laaaaaa......

The lights are off. Gotta rush to finish this. Am working in the dark..nasib baik ada lights from this laptop.

I guess I have to tell my story some other day. My short break is over.....Back to the darn figures *groan*
How did I end up with this work again? Oh no...what's those voices I hear? Helpppppppppp.......

Thank You Boss :)

Wednesday, 19 October 2005: It was a dull morning. Had to attend a budget training. Did I mention that I've been assigned to prepare A&G budget for the department? *sigh* The trainer went really fast..I was panicking, trying to follow his direction. Why oh why can't they have separate classes for new budget preparers? Went back to the office and found out I have to submit the budget input to the budget coordinator next week.Yikes...My heart was beating so fast. I don't understand why the submission of planning and budgeting can't be done together. It doesn't make sense la.

The only highlight of the day was our department's buka puasa session at Suria. Doing non work related stuff together is always fun in our department. Coincidentally, the film Pontianak 2 dia some launching at the restaurant. We were kind of excited coz its not every day we get to see celebraties :). After eating for some time, Maya and Kavitha finally came out to do interviews with some reporters. Of course me, E and CL became a bit 'jakun'. We got to take pictures with Maya! Its not that I really like Maya but sajela..nak memeriahkan suasana :)

Anyway, the best part was when the big boss said "Hmmm...I think *trueblue* and E are much prettier than Maya". Us, prettier than the gorgeous Maya? Wowwwwwwww...Even if the whole world thinks Maya is pretty, the fact that one human being thinks I'm prettier than her, is good enough already.Hahahaha... Of course me and E got ever so perasan and was grinning the whole time.

With all the stress about budget, at least the day ended with a few laughs and most importantly, a compliment from the big boss. Yipeeeeeeeeeee.....

the devil wears prada

Last Sunday, I come across an article about Bee Shaffer in Sunday's The Star. She is actually the daughter of Anna Wintour and from the photo available in the paper, she is quite a looker. For those who not in the know, you may ask who is she and Anna Wintour. As the daughter of American Vogue editor - the most powerful woman in fashion - Shaffer is in a unique position; the world's top designers come to her.

So much praises for Bee includes her ability to spot talented young designers, inherently understands the industry, inherits her mother's fashion taste and abilities. That's to be expected because she lives and breathes with editor for American Vogue, the industry's leading fashion magazine. By right, she had the most training from mother. I am most envious with her perks from growing up with the world's best dressing-up box.

Anyway, let's talk about the exciting career her mum has..

She's been the editor for Vogue's US edition for the past *tut* 18 years and you can imagine how sponsored she is. I mean, the whole fashion, cosmetics and fragrance companies are clamoring on their feet to fuss and fawn over her just so that their collections or products (depending whether you are from fashion houses or cosmetic and frangrance companies) get a mention or even few pages spread in Vogue.

I imagine how privileged she is, you know, getting all fabulous freebies from these companies and the latest season in fashion, the "It" bag/clothes/shoes, you name it...she'll have it. The vast wardrobe she has, oo la laaa...Every woman's dream come true.

So, it's not surprising when there's a chick lit novel written about her entitled "The Devil Wears Prada" by Lauren Weisberger. The title itsef painted a negative connotation about herself, heh heh..

This is what her daughter spoke of her in defense: "So much stuff is said about her - that she is this cold, mean person. But it is such a myth to me. She just comes into the office and she has a goal: she wants to produce a great magazine which I think she does. You have to work very hard to do that and she is very direct about what she wants. I don't think that makes her 'Nuclear Wintour' or whatever they call her."

Heh, I guess it's all true lah ! Maybe Lauren exaggerated a bit but it sounds logical anyway, at least to me because mrjones' boss acts similar like Miranda, the boss from hell. For those of you who have never had the opportunity to read the book, here's the synopsis :

A job a million girls would die for...

Revolves around Manhattan, meet Andrea Sachs; the junior Personal Assistant of feared and fawned-over editor, Miranda Priestly, of the world's most fashionable magazine.

When Andrea stepped into the plush office of Runway magazine, never in her life seen clothing and accessories on real people shouted Prada! Armani! Versace! from every surface. Brand-name highlights that cost six grand a year to maintain or that others in the know could identify the colourist after a quick glance at the finished product.

As Miranda's junior assistant, she was solely responsible for anticipating her needs and accomodating them. She had to accept the fact that there will be no editorial work. Her first task was getting 2 yet-to-be-released the fourth book of Harry Potter series for Miranda's ten-year-old twin daughters precisely on Saturday morning before they get up. That alone caused anxiety for Andrea and temporarily ruined her girls' only weekend with her best friend and flatmate Lily.

She subsist daily on a pack of cigarettes, Starbucks coffee and take-out sushi which is all, of course, under Runway expense account. Being given a cell phone, it could never go unanswered. From Miranda's point of view, there was simply no reason whatsoever for the call to ever be turned off.

A boss from hell, she made Andrea searched for the whole of Manhattan for an unnamed antique shop that sells a vintage dresser that she saw the other day and absolutely have to had it. Daily, Andrea had to run down to Starbucks few times and order a tall latte with two raw sugar, nothing more, nothing less just to make sure it is hot by the time she drank it. Even a staff of Starbucks was dedicated to serve Andrea's order everytime she breezed in.

Not only that, she had to put up with Miranda's third husband, Mr. Tomlinson's weird irritating habit of constantly referring to himself in the third person in the course of organising his brother's engagement party at the gallery of Whitney Museum.

The perks of the job is unbelievable. Andrea is never short of beautiful clothes and accessories for work. All she had to do is to head down to The Wardrobe department and choose whatever's in the current season. Promised a promotion by working just one year for Miranda if deemed talented by her, she kept wondering if it's preparing her for The New Yorker.

Andrea's putting up with her boss' ridiculous and sometimes tedious needs reached its pinnacle when she was assigned to assist Miranda in Paris for the season's highly regarded fashion week. While there, she received news about Lily being comatosed after meeting in an accident due to drunk-driving. Here, she was tested on her life's priorities. Alex, upon seeing her reluctantness to book the next New York-bound plane tickets made him realise that his Andrea has changed and no longer the person he fell in love with.

Andrea, introspect, realised that work isn't everything, threw her job into Miranda's face and flew back home just in time to see Lily recovered from her coma. She was sacked, and later freelance with other publishing company and enjoyed her new life. Finally, she can stop and smell the flowers and without the worry of being someone else's slave.

You can get this book from leading book stores in KL for example Kinoks, Times or MPH..not sure about Borders though..

It's an interesting book and I symphatize with Andrea and the reason I read this book is because Andrea shares similarity with mrjones, my other half... Daily, on our way back from office, he will without fail bitch about his boss and from his bitching session, I gather that his boss sounds just like Miranda.

Never Say Never

Bumped into an old friend yesterday. Not really that close..didn’t know what to say. So, as usual the conversation was more of "How are you...?", "Kerja kat mana?", "Are you still in touch with so and so?", "You are? Oh, how is she?" ...until suddenly she started talking about one of our schoolmates. "Did you know that XXXX dah divorce?". And she went on and on and on about how shocked she was, tak sangka it would happen, they just got married, asking me why I thought it happened, its not good to get divorced, etc.....I thought to myself, these are not nice things to say. I mean, I admit I was shocked but its not that I have been in touch with my friend and I know whats going on. So, until you know the truth...better not say/comment anything. I quickly ended the conversation, told her I had to rush back and left.

You know, maybe if I was single I would have made similar comments like my friend. But after a few years of marriage myself, mixing around with married people, hearing stories of divorced/separated couples, I’ve come to realise a few things...

1. Never say its not gonna happen to you. You’ll never know what lies ahead.Today you might be happy but who knows what might happen 10 years down the road. Don’t la be so action and say "I’ll never get divorced. I’m too good for that!"

2. Don’t simply judge people. Some couples may appear to be happy in public but you never know whats actually going on at home

3. Mind your own business. Don’t be minah kepochee. Unless either couple approach you to talk about their problems (or you were somehow involved), just pretend as if you don’t know whats going on. I think the couple have enough problems of their own to deal with.

I agree, its sad to hear these things happening but what to do...Some couples may have come to a point where they cannot live with each other anymore, cannot even tolerate or pretend that things are fine. So, the last resort is to just end the relationship.

I’m not even gonna try to analyse this problem further. Don’t have much knowledge on it. All I’m saying is..until you know the couple’s problem, dont start commenting or judging them and most importantly, NEVER SAY NEVER.........

I was listening to the radio whilst driving to work this morning and got excited when one of my favourite songs was suddenly on air. Anyway, two thumbs up for those happy couples out there :). May you live happily together, forever. This song is for you...Enjoy!

Taylor Dayne-I’ll always love you
I’ll always love you for the rest of my days
You have won my heart and my soul with your sweet sexy ways
You gave me hope when I needed someone near
You bring me happiness of every year

And I’ll always love you for all that you are
You have made my life complete you’re my lucky star
You are the one that I’ve been searching for
You are my everything tell me who could ask for more

Honey this will never end I need you by my side baby
You’re my lover my friend oh my friend

You gave my world a thrill I’d never known
And filled my eager heart with a love to call my own
And I’ll always love you you must know how much I do
You can count on me forever and I will take good care of you

I’ll always love you
I’m so happy that you’re mine
And I’ll always love you yes
Till the end of time

The revenge of Miss Goody Two Shoes

I don't know why I get extra sensitive every time this guy comes over to my place and start commenting on my looks etc. I know I'm just suppose to ignore but the fact that he's done it a few times, makes me want to scream. Am I really that ugly???

Typical conversation at my workstation:
Guy A: Hi...Busy?
Me: Hmm..Oklah.....
We start talking about some stuffs until he starts with his comments..

Example 1
Guy A: You tak eloklah pakai shirts to office..haaa, kalau E pakai cantik..
or

Example 2
There was one time we were talking about food...
Guy A: Kena control makan sikit, tak boleh makan banyak sangat..tengok, b****t you besar....
or

Example 3
He was looking at my old photos...
Guy A: Eh, you nampak tuala sekarang. I rasa you ni memang cepat nampak tua. Your sister looks younger than you
or

Example 4
We were talking and he saw my hands
Guy A: Tengok tangan you...you banyak urat la. Cepat nampak tua ni...
or

Example 5
I was using my pashmina as a tudung
Guy A: Tadi, you ke yang pakai tudung tu...?Hmm...tak eloklah, nampak macam makcik...

Arghhhhhhhhhh!!! That was the last straw la. Maybe to you guys, its nothing. But I can't stand it anymore. The thing is, I notice its always me who gets the remarks...
Me: Don't you have anything nice to say to me? Why is it everytime you come to my workstation, there's always a comment?
Guy A: Takdelah, I cakap je. Anyway, its just facts..
He realised that I was pissed and left.

He didn't talk to me for a few days until today suddenly he came over..
Guy A: Hi..How are you?
Me: Depends..if you have any nasty comments about me
Guy A: Mana ada I bagi komen, i baru nak ckp hello..tak baik la you..
Me: You do give me comments!! You just dont realise it..I'm just giving you feedback

He looked a bit upset and surprised with my remarks. Kesian pulak tengok...but no, I have to be strong. Sometimes I feel that I can be a bit too nice to people and dont say much that people take advantage of me. I need to learn to defend myself and speak up.

Its the new me..Hehe..Yeah right, we'll see about that kan..

I want....but malaslahhhh...So how?

Hmm..I wonder where my fellow contributors have gone to. I thought this is supposed to be a team effort. *sigh*

Anyways, I was cleaning up my VCD and DVD collection last Saturday and stumbled upon my wedding CD. Since dah lama tak tengok, I thought "Why not..lets watch it for a while". The thing is my intention that day was not to go all dramatic and nostalgic. Just wanted to see how much slimmer I was back then. Yes, I have put on weight after having 'D'. Actually I was doing quite well during my maternity leave but when I got back to work and was involved in this project, my weight started to bloom back up again!! Haiyaa.....Now I find it hard to go back to my original weight. The fact that I'm not doing anything much about it also doesnt help la.

'D' watched the CD with me and got so excited. She kept asking "'D' mana...'D' mana??". She didn't understand that obviously she didnt exist yet at the time. I was looking at the guests and saw you guys (concreterose and yumyum).Yumyum, your hair was so nice and straight.Hehe...

Its good that its the Fasting month now. I haven't checked my weight but I can feel some pants are a bit loose. Not so excited about it coz I'm pretty damn sure bila dah raya, of course naik balik. Boring betul. It kills me everytime I bump into someone that I seldom see and they ask..."You dah put on weight ye?". Yaaa...I guess thats a nice thing to say to someone you havent seen for so long..NOT!! Or maybe these people have run out of things to ask.And what do i reply? Nothing, just smile jelah.What to do..I guess we can't please everyone, right?

There's so much I can do actually to lose this excess weight but the key word here is 'MALASSSS!!!!'.

Oh well..so much for wanting to look slimmer.

Don't know...Don't care........

Some people just don't get it. What more do you want? I'm tired...enough already.
What's the point of saying anything when there's really nothing to say.
For God's sake, just leave me alone. Enough with all this nonsence!

Its hard when some people keep pushing and pushing. They don't want the truth...only want us to admit what they claim is right. Then, better not say anything right??? So, you do what you think is necessary..and I'll continue with my life.

Yes, I'm pissed..yes, I'm frustrated. I used to think I won't be able to face the world. But you know what..I don't care anymore. I won't let some people dictate my life.

Its time to move on...but I guess I can bitch about it when I want to. After all, if some people can do it, so can I...........

Anyway, thank you for spoiling my first day of Ramadhan!

"A hundred friends is too few but one enemy is too many"

Its hard....its manageable...but some cant accept it..so is it worth it?

Hello to everyone....esp to LondonGal....hope you are doing fine!...Sorry for the non post lately , have been rather busy. Oh yes our spa outing was great!...have to do it more often.

As with TrueBlue, I started having guy friends since after secondary school and would have to say that it definitely is different from having a girl-girl friendship. Different but not necessarily less rewarding or fun!
And the perspective you get is actually beneficial in the search for the Mr Right at that point of time. However, friendship with guys at that point (single) had at least a liltle or a minimal underlying 'current', (doono what else to call it) as the possibility the friendship might turn into something more is definitely OUT THERE..

Agreed that when you are no longer single, friendship with other men....its a bit different than the one you have when you are unattached. But this is generally speaking. For some its relatively the same. In my case, I have 2/3 really good guy friends that havecontinued till today the same way as when i was single...chats on the phone, emails and outings in a group. The only difference is the frequency. In this case, the guy friends ae also close friends with my partner, hence he is very supportive of it. Sometimes passing the phone to me to chat when they call simply because I am better at it!. SO in this case, I truly value the friendhip with them and hope it would be foreva (haha), I'm not saying that there is no risk to it, but I feel its very small and I am willing to take it than just stop the friendship for fear of the tiny risk. As long as both parties know how to behave and are decent...I dont see any problem! They, however have no partner as yet, and I do hope when they do, their partner will be as supportive as mine is.

Anyway....you cant just dump a friendship if your status changes...I mean that would seem to be rather tak baik la...and also you may be coined as being a fair wheather or specific weather friend. Everyone needs a friens of all seasons right??

Having said all that, I do experience this instance , where my spouse is not keen with me to be friends with this particular guy. Even after my rationalisation, he is still not keen. For that , I respect his wishes and have not continued with the friendship like before. It is a pity, because onceupon a time, we were very close friends and help each other a lot!..In this case, however...I see it also as the 'friend' not being a true friend as he was not very interested to be friends at some point in time in the past...SO....why bother! We cant have it all right?!

On the issue of dodgy men friends...yes definitely kene jaga-jaga...And men construing friendship and a listening ear as a come on or and invitation, is pretty pathethic!..So for men like that....it would better to just be 'kenalan'.

Having said all that, we hear people having affairs with their friends, workmates , bosses and so on...SO...it can start with just an innocent friendship. Maybe talking about relationship or marriage problems is a No-No!
And yes, tell your partner !...be open and dont try to go beyond the line!

About the BALI.....to be honest...we wre just saying we may want to go since...we havent been there before and tukar angin instead of going to matsalleh country for holiday. People keep saying that its a nice place..with an exception of a few...a friend and a cousin said...that they actually think that we wont enjoy the place...so..in this situation...cari tempat lain la dulu!!...still loads of places in the world to go!!

in conclusion, good girl friends are still better friends to have...cos here is no limitation and barrier and they can understand better being of the same sex. So gals, you are still 'the one'

Later!

Close encounter of the egg kind

July 12th, 2005

A little after one year of wedding bells with no sign of morning sickness, I decided to go for a gynaecological check up at one of KPJ’s hospital uptown in KL.

My gynae is quite baffled that I’m concerned of not being pregnant yet although we’re only been married a little over one year but a look of understanding dawned upon her face when I told her my age... She took down my last month menstruation’s date, how long it lasts and how frequent we copulate in a week.
Her nurse quickly took my blood pressure readings. Dr. F prescribed me on clomid and I was on the prescription for 3 months

September 24th, 2005

This month, she is supposed to prepare me for an IUI procedure but she’s not around on my appointment day. When her relief gynae performed the customary vaginal scan, she could not find my egg.
I was already uncomfortable cos it’s taking longer than usual and having my nether region being poked and probed on for the elusive egg is not really eggs-citing.

Finally, she told me she can only see my egg being half the size it should be. She told me to come back 2 days after that and see Dr A, the fertility specialist.
Dr. A can’t find my egg too as she scanned my left and right ovaries.. I was already uncomfortable and wished that she end that scan RIGHT THEN. She finally resigned and told me that the egg is nowhere to be seen and all she can see was massive existence of fluid around the follicles. She concluded that I have ovulated and should copulate around this time to be pregnant as soon as possible.

She instructed my significant other to come back the next Saturday for a sperm count test. Then, right after Hari Raya, she will perform the feared, infamous tubal dye test to check for any blockage in my Fallopian tube. Infamously feared because two of my friends had gone through it and they testified that it’s a major pain in the nether region. Sers took 4 pills of pain killer that morning of the test but forgot to pop it after the test. Guess what ? She can’t walk properly for the next 2 hours and writhed in pain on the clinic’s couch while her husband patted and soothed her, feeling helpless.

My search for the egg goes on but now am taking one month’s respite due to fasting month..good luck to me...meanwhile, I have to mentally prepare myself for this coming Raya with Penang’s clan of rib-poking and direct questioning of my childless marriage...but that’s another story altogether *sigh*

Its hard..but its possible

All my life I’ve had guys as good friends. I guess its a great way to learn how to build a good relationship with someone from the opposite sex, and also get into their head and figure out how they think...There isn’t the same competitive pressure that you have with friends from the same sex either.

Some friends may say.."You’re married now, you can’t have guys as good friends". But I can’t help it....From time to time, I still turn to my guy friends when I want to hear their opinions or simply when I feel down and I want to let it all out. Guys appear to be more cool as compared to girls who can be a bit too emotional(I admit, I’m guilty of that too). So, at times when I feel I want to get out from that ‘environment’..I turn to my guy friends.

But when can that innocent friendship turn into danger? I guess its ok if we’re still single, no strings attached and we are free to widen our friendship with anyone. But what happens when we have a boyfriend/husband...should we be extra careful?

During A-Levels and throughout my University days, I was close to this guy. He was a dear friend. There was definitely nothing going on between us because he had a girlfriend..though I was still single-mingle back then. It was fun talking to him..We clicked instantly..maybe we had a lot in common. We still keep in touch with each other from time to time through email or Yahoo Messenger. Sajela, to tanya khabar. He’s also married already. But one day about a month ago, he started getting a bit dodgy. Telling me that he liked me before...At first I didn’t say anything, thinking he’s just joking. But later on it got worse..so, I guess thats the signal to start slowing things down a bit. Don’t get him to think that I don’t mind or feel comfortable with what he’s doing. Its a waste la actually coz we were good friends..Now I don’t think I can talk freely with him anymore.

Yesterday, an old friend (a guy who’s also married) sms-ed me..wanting to wish Selamat Berpuasa. We got into chatting for a bit just to update each other what we’ve been up to. Until he invited me to buka puasa with him (just the two of us) and said it could be our secret affair..And I was like.."bila masa our friendship turned into a secret affair???". Gross..gross..gross..

So, the answer is my friends..of course we have to be extra careful. Some guys are ok..some guys have hidden agenda. The thing is, am I partly to blame? Did I lead them on? I really don’t know. I ‘m just being myself. Maybe some guys take advantage or misinterpret the fact that I listen very well. But those are just 2 examples of weirdo guys. I have other good guy friends who I know would never lead to anything more. Some are like brothers to me. Can girls and guys be just friends? Its hard but its possible. As long as there are ground rules set, no secret agendas, and you’re willing to take a bit of a risk, a friendship between the sexes can be one of the most satisfying relationships you’ll ever have.

But having said all that...I wouldn’t trade my girlfriends for the world!!!! I love you darlingss....

Happy Puasa, darlingsss.....

Where's Mrs Jones? Are you still thinking of juicy stories to tell us?
Come on..we're suppose to keep this blog alive people!!!

Anyways, I got back from the teambuilding on Saturday evening and my body is still aching all over.The funny thing is we didn't do any physical activities. I think maybe we had a strenuous karaoke activity 2 nights in a row. You guys should see our SMs and GM dancing and singing away that night. It was hillarious!!

Esok dah puasa...Cepatnya...Must make sure we have our buka puasa session together-gether again this year.

Today is my dad's birthday..Gotta go down and get him presie.Selamat Berpuasa you guys...I'll be extra busy this month because of budget *groan* *grrrr*