Wednesday, January 31, 2007

It doesn't matter

There are days when I feel like I’m the ugliest person on earth. No matter what I do to make myself feel or look good, wouldn’t work. My hair would look like it has a mind of its own, I would feel fat and my clothes would feel like they are out of date. Everything about me would seem so blah…so plain…so unattractive. I truly hate these days because I can get so depressed with myself. I can bet the people close to me would become irritated because no matter what they say or do to cheer me up, I wouldn’t believe them.

There are also days when I look at myself in the mirror and think, “Hey, I don’t look that bad. In fact, I look kind of cute”. Hehe…I am ashamed to also admit that sometimes I would pose in front of the mirror, smile to myself and say “Yeah, not bad...not bad at all”. These are the days when I can be overly ‘perasan’ about myself. Sekali-sekala puji diri sendiri. No harm, right?

There are even days when I couldn’t care less with how I looked. No effort at all to dress up and look good. So what if I look like a cow? It’s these days that I just can’t be bothered with my appearance.

But most days I just feel thankful with what I have. I may not have the looks to die for but I don’t think my looks make people throw up either. Some people are so obsessed about looking good that without realizing, they are actually causing unnecessary pressure to others.

I just finished reading this book titled ‘Ugly’ by Constance Briscoe. It’s a true story about how the author was physically and emotionally abused by her mother and stepfather throughout her childhood. Her mother would repeatedly tell her that she is ugly, stupid and worthless. She didn’t get enough food at home and was never bought new clothes. Every Christmas she would get the exact same present. In order to survive, she had to work (started at a young age of 11, I think). Her mother even had the cheek to ask for rent from her! She had other siblings but she was the only one who got abused. Her siblings were too afraid to back her up. Because of this entire trauma she wet her bed at night, up until she was in her mid teens. This caused more anger from her mother and she would become more abusive. Constance was punched, kicked, smacked, etc. I really admire Constance’s strength throughout the period. How could a mother do that to her own child? When reading the story, I could actually feel her mother’s hatred towards her. It’s a sad story. I’m glad she survived all the pain. Despite what her mother said, she was determined to have a successful future. She now practices as a barrister and in 1996 became a part-time judge - one of the first black women to sit as a judge in the UK.

The main lesson I learnt from the book is that we need to be strong regardless of what people say and do to put you down. Have the courage to move on and prove to these people that we can make it in life. We must believe in ourselves. I’m just so thankful I didn't have that kind of childhood and to have family and friends who love and care about me. It was really an inspiring story.

It’s not the end of the world if we don’t have good looks, a great body or whatever. It doesn’t mean you can’t achieve anything in life. Love yourself, believe in yourself and your true qualities will come out. Whenever I'm in my depressing mood, I just need to remind myself to be thankful. And of all the things to be thankful for, at the moment I’m just thankful to be alive.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Spilling the beans


Can you keep a secret? How long will it take you to explode? Are you the trustworthy type who knows how to keep your mouth shut or are you the blabber mouth who itches to tell the next available person?

I wouldn’t call myself a saint but I can be pretty good at keeping secrets. I do set standards for secrets - if it means hurting a friend, forget it. But if no one is going to suffer, then I might not be quite so discreet. If someone specifically tells me “This is a secret. Please don’t tell anyone”, I will respect that person’s wishes. It’s those juicy gossips that I find quite hard to resist :). I guess that’s normal for girls. But don’t be surprised; nowadays guys are into gossiping too, no?

It’s also normal that we trust our friends at different levels. Not all the close friends will know a particular secret. It depends on how personal the secret is and how open the friend may be. If the secret is huge and you are the only one told about it, the burden can be too much to bear. There’s that sense of suspense and excitement and you feel you have to share it with another person, just so that you can discuss about it. The tension can be so high that sometimes you even wish you didn't know about the secret in the first place. But on the other hand, it’s actually quite an honor to be the only one entrusted with the information. So better not breach that trust.

Don’t be disheartened if you are not told about something or you were only told about it at a later stage. There’s always a reason for things. Understand that your friend was probably in a tough situation at the time. Maybe there wasn’t a right moment or they weren’t ready or were trying to find the right words to tell you. So relax and don’t pressure.

Yes, we all know that a secret means not telling anyone but do remember that some secrets are good and some can be bad. Be smart to know which ones are worth telling people about.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The long lost poem

I found this poem while cleaning up the other day. Something I wrote about a friend many, many moons ago. She had some problem in her life back then and it was sad seeing how difficult it was for her. We have lost touch with each other and I have no clue where she is now. I hope she has found her happiness and that her troubles have gone away.

As you can see I’m not an expert writer. It was just an attempt to express my feelings. Sounds childish, I agree...but like I said, I did it a gazillion years ago.

She felt trapped
She wanted to leave
No matter what she did
Her mind wasn’t at ease

When will it stop?
She often asks
The clock is ticking
She needs to move fast

People keep talking
Oh, shut up, she says
Mind your own business
Just buzz off, go away!

She wants to be happy
She wants to be free
Be patient, I told her
The time will come, you’ll see

No matter how bad
Or unfair the world may seem
You still have your family
Who loves you dearly

I wish her the best
I pray she’ll succeed
No matter what happens
Her friend, I’ll forever be

Monday, January 15, 2007

Ada ka patut?

I was visiting a friend’s blog the other day and read the comments section at one of her entries. I already left a comment earlier and thought I’d just read the updates for the day. There was this particular person who kept leaving comments and to my surprise this wacko referred to me as a pornstar!!! What irritated me was that I don’t even know him/her and don’t think he/she knows me too. And I never did say anything to upset the person. So I guess this person is just trying to be smart and called me a pornstar just because my nickname is Trueblue? *Grrrrrr*

I know I shouldn’t be bothered with these silly games. I did ignore the person but over the weekend when I remembered the incident, I couldn’t help but feel annoyed again. It puzzles me that some people have nothing better to do but try to provoke others….at random. My sympathies really….

Monday, January 08, 2007

Hello..hello

Yes, I am back already. Yes, I have started work but no, I have not had time to blog yet. Been busy catching up with some work stuff. Will write more once the time permits.

Anyway, hope its not too late to wish everyone a very Happy New Year. Don't have much of a new year resolution. Thought I'd keep it simple this year. Don't want to be too ambitious.

God..I feel so malas to work..Helpppppppppppp....