Stressed over Venus?

Godddddd...What’s wrong with me today? My brain absolutely refuses to function. I cannot work. I cannot think. . Switchfoot’s ‘Only Hope’ has been on repeat for the past 2 hours. I just love this song *Trueblue smiling to herself and starts to daydream*. Anyway, I have also been staring at the same presentation slide since God know’s when. The more I stare, the more sleepy I get. How I wish I was at home at this particular moment. Either reading a good book or just laze around under the covers. Yep..I can imagine myself already :) Trying to keep myself warm. Curl my body. Hug one of the pillows. Pull the covers right up to my chin. Close my eyes. And dreaaaammmmmmm... Ahhh..Perfect. Just what I need right now.

Was chatting with Nadia this morning and told her about my inability to work today.
"I cannot work la today. I can’t even think"
"What’s wrong? Are you bothered about something?"
"Well, there are a few things on my mind.Plus, didn’t have much sleep last night"
"Maybe you’re just tired...or maybe you’re stress. Ooohh..let me email you something"

So, this is what she sent me:
..............................................................................
Choose 3 scenarios out of these 4:
- A group of people taking photographs
- A galloping horse
- A house with a garden
- A statue of the goddess of Venus

Decided which 3?

This test is actually about the cause of our stress recently and the vital one is the one you left out.

If you left out the one with the:
- Group of people taking pictures
: it means you're very tired over human relationships around you right now

- Galloping horse
: it means you're tired and stressed over work recently

- House with the garden
: it means you're tired with some matters concerning your family /household lately

- Statue of Venus
: it means you're stressed over matters of the heart. Not exactly relationship problems, but more to do with being tired of trying to settle things with your girlfriend/boyfriend.

Now which one did you leave out?
.............................................................
Interesting test...Not sure if I want to believe it but for fun-fun, takpelah kot. At least I managed to read something else instead of having to stare at the boring slide....

Oh yes..wanted to share one more thing. I went to the bank earlier and was queuing behind this man at the ATM machine. Was minding my own business when suddenly I heard "poot..poot..poot..poot..poot". I wasn’t sure what it was at first because the bank was kinda noisy. But when a strange smell suddenly 'emerged', I could pretty much guess what it was. DAMN! That was one nasty smell! He didn’t even bother to apologise. I had the urge to kick him in the ass!! How rude can some people be? %$*@!!

Haiyaaaa..Increase my stress level some more! Now confirm cannot do work today. Suwey la that guy. I need to eliminate all these negative energy. A bit of pampering after work would be good. Something simple should do it. What shall it be? Hair treatment or Mani/Pedi? Hmmmmmmm........

principally concerning nothing

Girly girl girl..
Last Sunday, my mum told me her aloe vera plant has flowered. Waaahhh... She has not seen an aloe vera plant flowered before (neither do I anyway), thus it’s her first time plus it’s HER aloe vera, no less ! She proudly showed me the flower and happily tells me that she thinks it flowers because she will be getting a granddaughter from me. Is this in relation to hubby’s predilection towards watching America’s next top model and Project Runway or anything related to fashion..?
Back to my mum’s story, she told me that prior of me telling her that I got pregnant, she dreamt of receiving a gold locket. So real was her dream that she got disappointed when she realised it was just a dream. So she thinks I might be carrying a girl since gold locket takkan signify a baby boy kan....?
Then, few weeks before she took a glance at me and absentmindedly said my pores oozing with female hormones. At that time, I was convinced that her mindset already fixed on me carrying a baby girl so I chose to ignore je laa..
Then last Sunday, my husband spent his morning tidying up our bedroom cos dia cakap I ni tak de masa depan punya orang sebab tak pandai kemas - everywhere dia tengok, ada barang I. Heheee.. Alaaa, my mess cuma magazines and lots of junk mail jer..not anything gross like unfinished food or unwashed clothes. Again, my mum said perangai husband I jer dah indicate I will be getting a girl. Cannot believe that cos husband memang suka mengemas. Ok, we shall wait and see what’s the gender will be during my next check up in April where I’ll be in my 22 weeks.
Preggos club..
On a lighter note, husband points out that I joined Hollywood’s mummies-to-be this year like Gwen, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Garner, Katie Holmes. Back in the office, I found out that CL dah pregnant, MAK is pregnant too after just last year she gave birth to a lovely baby girl. Power betul diaorg ni, that was exceptionally fast !! At least I ada la geng bawa perut this year, even k roxy pregnant too. She gave me hope that 40-something woman still can conceive. When I look around me, suddenly I saw many pregnant women walking around. As SAA cheekily remarked, "tahun ni tahun anjing kan ? Anjing memang beranak banyak !!".
I also found out that the most expensive pram in the world is Silver Cross pram worth 9000, tak sure la in USD ke or Pound ke or Ringgit. Kalau pound, memang terjuling la bijik mata. Pram dia tak de la high tech sangat I tengok. It’s an old school punya style, in black and silver. Hollywood celebrities are seen strolling their babies in Silver Cross prams. Hubby pun tau pasal Silver Cross ni, should I ask him how in the world he knows about that ??
This week is my 20th week and that marks 5th month of my pregnancy!! I’m so relieved, 4 months plus plus more to go and out my tummy buddy goes. It will put an end to my toilet angst. I hate to pee and pregnancy makes me pee every hour. I seriously think of wanting to living my life in the toilet. Work, sleep, eat, drink in the loo.. I know it sounds gross but that’s how desperate I am. Whoever say that second trimester is fun makes a misleading statement. Let me rephrase that - whoever say that pregnancy is fun makes a misleading statement !
Because of that, I sekarang malas betul nak jalan-jalan. I dah malas masuk shopping complex unless absolutely necessary. Tengok wayang pun dah malas. I pun dah tak ikut husband grocery shopping. All thanks to my loo-natic behaviour. Anyway we all know how our public toilets’ condition are so it’s nothing surprising I only like those in my house and office. Sekarang duduk rumah tunggu toilet je.
Because of frequent peeing and other inane reasons, I shelf my Bangkok holiday plans. I watch wistfully at my school friends who happily planning their Bali holiday this coming Labour Day while I have to settle for Redang. Kalau tak kerana anniversary, memang tak ingin I nak gi jalan-jalan. Teringat Bali spa, terus *sobs*.. At least I can tell people I’ve been to Redang and Tioman and Perhentian to answer the statement "asyik bali je, pulau lain kat M’sia ni tak pergi ke ?!" ;-)
Mane treatment
Since pregnant, I have no patience waiting for hubby to finish his work at 8 pm so I always go home by lrt and feeder bus. Going home by lrt means I have to catch my train before 6 pm so that I can reach the stop near my house before dusk. So, when I can’t make it for my train due to long afternoon discussion at the office, I decided to check out cheap hair salon nearby just to kill time. I wanted to do hair steaming treatment since the last one I did was last September.
I kinda miss Indonesian creambath which is equivalent to our hair steaming treatment. While the girl was shampooing and massaging hair creams to my scalp, I couldn’t help sighing. Back in Bali or Jakarta’s salons, they always give me an excellent longish scalp, neck, shoulder and back massage. They are generous with hair creams and those creams always smells oh-so-good !! Creambath RM 15, Special serums RM 10, Massage Priceless... Malaysian salons’ proprietor should learn from their Indonesian counterpart in hair steaming treatment. Actually, I nak massage...
The girl hardly massage my shoulder or back. It’s only a simple knead and rub over my scalp and neck. She managed to get my shirt wet at the back during rinsing sessions that she had to blow dry them for me. Tak pe la for a 50 ringgit, I should not complain much eh.. I wonder how big shot Martha Tilaar salons here doing with their creambath treatment. Creambath for short hair costs 80 ringgit and longer hair is 100. That’s in Khareyana spa. Dunno about those spa in Crown Princess or KL Hilton or even in Hartamas where trueblue and rosey went. Menyesal pulak tak ikut diaorg gi spa masa CL nak kawin.
Anyway, the whole process took about 1 half hours and she reminded me not to shampoo my hair for next 3 days. One thing pergi salon ni, diaorg suka sangat tanya our background laa. Keje kat mana, tinggal kat mana, umur berapa.. Nasib baik I look pregnant so tak tanya soalan dah kawin ke belum. Tapi tanya, kawin umur berapa, anak ke berapa and the usual dah berapa bulan thingy.. I ni malas betul nak melayan soalan peribadi, kalau nak tau demographics, ha gi buat feedback form or questionnaire. Dalam tu, tanya la personal particulars secukup rasa.. Finally masa blow drying tanya pulak I henna my hair ni sendiri ke, kat kedai. Not wanting possible sale soliciting, I pun cakap buat sendiri.
Me no like musicals
Last Friday, I went to Istana Budaya to watch M! The Opera to gain better experience after watching Fame dulu. I got free tickets anyway from my good friend who works with Vincent Tan whose company happens to be one of the main sponsors. I even refrain myself from drinking any water so that I don't have to rush to the loo every hour. Tapi tak berjaya, memang pergi jugak la since the hall is very cold.
Wasting my time only, I wish I went to Club 21’s sale instead. I don’t understand what they are singing cos their voice are drowned by the music. They sang in both English and Malay which is totally confusing. Just when I managed to understand their English singing, tetiba nyanyi dalam Melayu pulak dah !! I pulak tak beli their programme book so memang tak paham pun but after intermission, I got it for free. It was placed on my seat, bila balik rumah baca baru ler faham citer isk isk.. The next day, I learnt that Club 21’s sale is very good. My friend bought 5 armani jeans at 100+ per pair, I waaaaant !!! Rugi betul pregnant sekarang masa tengah sale. Furthermore, most brands tengah keluarkan their spring/summer clothes yang cun-cun.. Buying maternity clothes will be worthless cos I don’t know how large I can be. Therefore, not in the mood too, to buy stroller or baby cot or baby car seats or what nots. So not in shopping mood - frust punya pasal. If I can’t buy things for myself neither can my tummy buddy *evil*
Gossip...
Nak gossip sikit, I read last Sunday’s gossip section about erra and yusry’s crumbling marriage. I tend to agree with the columnist’s comment about them. Apparently erra told the media, their problem does not improve because they don’t have the time to mend their problems. They are telling us that their work is far, far more important than their marriage life ? That’s totally crap !! That’s like being married to your job instead of to each other. I hope the rest of us, fellow young married couples, DO NOT follow their examples in resolving important issues such as this. Whatever it is, of course marriage is first priority and to put your work / career above all is pathetic especially when you’re one half of married couple. Susah-susah aje kawin. I’m not a fan of erra or yusry but their approach to marriage is SO WRONG and as somebody widely known, that is simply not the thing to do or say. I just hope she gave that statement because to shut the media who pester her on the progress of their marriage.

The babes at Sepang and the new babe from Indon?

1.
Went to watch the PETRONAS Malaysian Grand Prix at Sepang today and I think I may have lost a kilo or two. Hehe..I know, thats a bit of an exaggeration. But with all the walking, it did feel like I lost some weight :). As usual, the weather was hot at Sepang and I was sweating profusely. It felt like a one years worth of exercise. So, I can say it was a good workout today. No more exercise for another year :)

I wouldn’t say I’m a die hard fan of F1 as compared to my guy friends in the office but I still enjoy being part of the whole fun. Never have missed going to Sepang since it first started in 1999. One of the things that never fail to amaze me everytime I watch the F1 is the different types of characters I see. Its things like the way people dress, the banners they bring, how fanatic the fans are etc. Anyway, it was particularly amusing to see a bunch of ladies manning this booth (can’t remember what it was). They were wearing this micro mini skirt with a really high slit. Sounds like any normal sexy lady we see at F1, right? The thing is, I was just surprised when I realised these ladies were actually men. I’m not sure what you call it in English, but you know those ‘mak nyah’ type. I have nothing against them but it was kind of funny looking at the faces of other people staring at them. Some ‘mat salehs’ were even interested to take pictures with them and it was hillarious to see the ‘ladies’ in their poses. Talk about having their own fans....

2.
The new maid finally arrived on Thursday night. We were extremely late, and so *H* had to drive like a madman to the airport. The moment we arrived, he left me with the car and rushed to pick up the maid. Bored of waiting, I decided to park the car and wait at the Departure area. It was a pleasant surprise to bump into my close friends who were lepaking at McDonalds. To kill time, I decided to join the guys. They were pestering me about the maid, wanting to know whether she is a babe. Typical guy question :). Anyway, immediately after that, I received an sms from *H* and burst out laughing : "Already with maid. Not pretty. How?". Haiyaa.....Maids must be pretty ke? Surely if she was a babe, she wouldn’t be a maid in the first place. She would have used her looks for better use.

On Friday morning, before going to work, I decided to check on the new maid and give some instructions for the day. I was shocked to see her in jeans and a baby T. It was more of a going-out attire.Wah..wah...bergaya sakan maid aku ni. I was too shocked to say anything at first but then thought, hey...this is ridiculous...I can’t imagine her cleaning the toilet in those jeans.
"Eh...apasal awak lawa sangat ni..takde baju duduk rumah ke...Tukarlah baju..".
Why she needed to dress up, is beyond me. My mum asked me later "Dia ada baju biasa tak? Nanti orang ingat Mummy pulak orang gaji". Hehe..it was a funny picture. The maid with jeans and baby T and my mum with her baju kelawar and rambut tak bersikat. People will definitely get confused :)

So far, she’s been ok work-wise but its still early days to trust her alone with *D*. Thats why I have to stay at my parents house so that my mum’s maid can train her. I still can’t help comparing her with *C* (the previous maid) though. No luck of getting her back. She’s now selling ice-cream at her kampung. *sigh* I miss her..

Its never too late to make a difference

I’ve been feeling quite vulnerable for the past month or so and I finally lost my self-esteem yesterday. All because of the comments/remarks that I keep hearing lately. Its nothing new. I’ve known it since forever because thats how I am. Its my personality and its how I was brought up. The thing is, its one thing knowing it yourself but another thing when these remarks keep coming to you from other people and from all angles: front, back, left and right. Just imagine being hit with a bat..bam..bam..bam..one after another.

Of course, nobody likes to hear their weaknesses. Please don’t get me wrong...I’m not denying it but yes, it still hurts. Lately, its like hearing a record being played again and again. The more you hear it, the more you start wondering "Oh My God..Am I really that bad?". Maybe its one of those things where after you hear it so many times, you feel its true and you don’t change because thats what people expect of you anyway. It came to a peak yesterday when I had a ‘heart to heart’ talk with a close friend. We were talking about work stuff and suddenly the topic changed to my character in the office. I’ve always looked up to her because she’s a great worker, a high performing staff. We never really talked about this before but when I heard her say all these stuffs about me, my heart felt like it just burst into a million pieces. I guess its because I've been keeping the feelings bottled up for quite some time. I felt so low, so worthless and so empty. I lost faith in myself...like whatever hard work/effort I’ve done, the late nights, my determination to get things completed, my loyalty doesn’t count at all. The conversation and the earlier comments I got for the past few days/week made me feel like a pathetic loser. I tried hard to control the few tears that were streaming down my face. And thats when I really lost my self esteem. Being too nice definitely doesn’t help in this organisation.

Back at home, I had a good cry. It was a relief to finally let it all out. Thats when I finally realised that I need to make some changes in my life. Yes, different people have different ways of doing things. There will always be stronger characters than me. I should stop using that as an excuse, stop feeling sorry for myself and start doing something about it. Maybe its hard to change my personality because thats what makes who I am but I need to learn to use it to my advantage to avoid people’s perception or opinion that I’m always going to be overshadowed.

Boss told us in a meeting today that according to a psychologist, if we want to do something, never say "I’ll try to make it happen". In most cases, you never will. Its all about the mindset. We have to say "I must make it happen. I will make it happen". We must build the self-confidence right from the beginning.

This is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt. You can’t stop people from having opinions of you. I know I’m not entirely that bad. I just have to make some adjustments in my life. I may not be an expressive or a vocal person but that doesn’t make me stupid. I may be reliable, persistant and dedicated to my work but unfortunately, thats not how we play the game in this organisation. So yes, its time for a change.

"I must make it happen. I will make it happen!"

Random SMS

The other day I received an sms from some weirdo who said:

"Hi there. I’m a guy, working in KL, 30 years old, looking for a female acquaintance, to flirt around mainly, no strings attached. I’m smsing randomly hoping for a response :)"

Any of you girls ever received this kind of message?

I was kind of surprised but then thought maybe one of my friends is trying to play tricks with me. To see if I would ‘menggatal’ to reply. Err...Sorryla, not interested, not desperate and not that kind of person.

But what if the guy is trying his luck? Hoping some girl would reply his sms? Waaa....very daring one. The thing is, its actually quite a turn off for me. Even if I was still single, I would never be interested to respond to some stranger. And he even had the cheek to say he just wants to flirt around! Sheesh!

I didn’t bother to reply.

In your dreams, mate...

One debt has cleared, with more to go....

This month is the month where I'll be able to pay off my old celcom debt and terminate that number for good !! It takes me nearly 3 years to clear the bill, phew...lega.. It was back in 2002 where my celcom bill shot up to 2k plus.. It was crazy and very scary.. I quickly stop using my celcom number and use another provider while at the same time paying that stooopid bill bit by bit.

During my paying-off-celcom-bill phase, I always encounter unpleasant experiences with celcom. You see, I always pay my bill with cheques using its accompanying self-addressed envelopes. Most often than not, celcom always delay in updating my bill and conveniently forgot about it. The peak of my rage happens (after I told them that they have not updated my bill when in fact, my cheque has been cleared) when they cheekily told me to show proof from my bank that the cheque indeed has been cleared. Wahhh...ingat I tak sekolah ke..? My bank statement is not enough proof ke ?? You know what they want ?? A duplicate copy of my cheque (that I have sent to them) from the bank that it is indeed been cleared. Of course, my bank officer won't have it, "Puan, bank statement ni dah cukup bukti cek puan dah clear.." I HATE CELCOM sebab memalukan I je kena minta benda yang bukan-bukan dari bank, grrrr....

Dengan bengangnya, I log to the Internet, find their HQ's general line and call to ask the address and fax number of their VP of Customer Service. I wrote a letter to her in full BM, telling her that since celcom is the biggest telco in Malaysia with widest coverage of network shit, I am sure they have sistem maklumat yang canggih berbanding syarikat telekomunikasi yang lain. Malangnya, masih tidak mampu mengemaskinikan akaun pelanggan. I even cc it to the CEO's office.

Good enough, they updated my bill within one week after I faxed my letter. Her PA called me up after that for details. I was already thinking of taking it into higher level if they did not respond to my letter. I thought of complaining to the consumer tribunal of ministry of consumer affairs plus thinking should I write to central bank as well ? Central bank yang tak de kena mengena pun I nak tulis jugak surat, hahaaa !! I have the right what ?! Here I am, trying to clear my debt to you and you do shitty things to me, that's not fair, isn't it ??

Sheesh..celcom has becoming a liability to me since then, giving me all these bad experiences. After that, I paid my bill using credit card and religiously keep all my receipts. So that I can throw those receipts to the stoooopid customer service clerk if ever they want more proof that I really have paid the bill.

Another thing, terminating my celcom account is important to me. It ends one of my contactable numbers that my old boyfriend has of me. Out of all my past relationships, the third and last one is something I'm not very proud of. I don't know about others but I just don't like it the way he still calls that number occasionally in the middle of the night. Kalau tak pukul 12 pagi, mesti 1 pagi.. It happens few times when I use my celcom sim card in my old handphone to do international calls while one of my family members went overseas.

His actions reminds me of Cypress Hills' song..."memories they haunt me, they follow me, they don't die..." I mean, okay if he wants to remain friends with me, the least he could do is being proper with it by not calling me in the middle of the night. Tapi kalau dia call siang hari sekalipun, I memang tak nak cakap dengan dia.. Sadly, I am still contactable by him through my office phone and office email address. I can't change those. That's fixed man, unless I resigned from my current company or relocate elsewhere outside KL.

After this, hopefully I can clear my credit cards' debt faster than my phone bill :-))

Trueblue, justify yourself..

*Sigh* Its that time of the year again. We have nearly reached the end of the Financial Year. Time to put on my thinking cap and try to recall what I have achieved in the past 12 months. Time to say good things about myself and try to impress the management. Yep..Yep..What else...Its Performance Appraisal (PA) time.

Let’s see...what have I contributed? What would be my achievements? Errr....*thinking* Hmmm...*still thinking*. Darn... I’m struggling here, guys. I’ve always hated filling in the Perfomance Appraisal form but this is the first time in the past 7 years plus in this company that I find it difficult to describe myself. Not that I don’t know what I’ve done. Its just that there’s nothing to brag about. More of "So what? Anyone can do that". I don't feel fully satisfied as compared to the previous years when I at least know I’m doing something right. I guess its kind of hard to justify the achievements. Its a new department. We are learning new things and adjusting as we go along. There’s not much focus cause there’s a lot to do. It gets worse when decisions and directions keep changing.

I’m staring at this form now whilst listening to Gwen Stefani’s Luxurious (hoping to get some inspiration) and thinking..would it actually make a difference if I actually take the extra effort to ‘beautify’ my PA? Surely the bosses already know what rating to give me without having to read it in black & white. Even boss said to me the other day "I have a feeling what to give you already but let me just read your write-up. It may or may not change my opinion". Sheesh...Thanks boss. I know I can always count on you...

A conversation I had with a colleague today..

"Have you done it?"

"Nope"

"When’s the deadline again?"

"Thursday, I think"

"What? This Thursday?Alamak...How? Sempat ke?"

Of course. Typical of us. Doing things at the very last minute. Was a bit worried about it and spent the whole day planning out what to write. Somehow or rather, my colleagues looked so relax. They didn’t seem to worry at all. Some didn’t even bother and some even laughed at me and said ‘Trueblue is so SKIMA’. I don’t know why I was so paranoid about this PA thingy. Too paranoid that I even dreamt that I had a review session with Big Boss and he gave me the worst rating ever. Hehe...Yeah..maybe I am a bit skima. Times like these, I find it hard to run away from my Ms Goody Two Shoes character. Ack..! I guess I need to tone down a bit.

Coming back to the Performance Appraisal form, I’m just gonna describe what I can. What’s done is done. I’ll be happy to just get an average rating :). So, lets just hope for the best. Heehee..