Its never too late to make a difference

I’ve been feeling quite vulnerable for the past month or so and I finally lost my self-esteem yesterday. All because of the comments/remarks that I keep hearing lately. Its nothing new. I’ve known it since forever because thats how I am. Its my personality and its how I was brought up. The thing is, its one thing knowing it yourself but another thing when these remarks keep coming to you from other people and from all angles: front, back, left and right. Just imagine being hit with a bat..bam..bam..bam..one after another.

Of course, nobody likes to hear their weaknesses. Please don’t get me wrong...I’m not denying it but yes, it still hurts. Lately, its like hearing a record being played again and again. The more you hear it, the more you start wondering "Oh My God..Am I really that bad?". Maybe its one of those things where after you hear it so many times, you feel its true and you don’t change because thats what people expect of you anyway. It came to a peak yesterday when I had a ‘heart to heart’ talk with a close friend. We were talking about work stuff and suddenly the topic changed to my character in the office. I’ve always looked up to her because she’s a great worker, a high performing staff. We never really talked about this before but when I heard her say all these stuffs about me, my heart felt like it just burst into a million pieces. I guess its because I've been keeping the feelings bottled up for quite some time. I felt so low, so worthless and so empty. I lost faith in myself...like whatever hard work/effort I’ve done, the late nights, my determination to get things completed, my loyalty doesn’t count at all. The conversation and the earlier comments I got for the past few days/week made me feel like a pathetic loser. I tried hard to control the few tears that were streaming down my face. And thats when I really lost my self esteem. Being too nice definitely doesn’t help in this organisation.

Back at home, I had a good cry. It was a relief to finally let it all out. Thats when I finally realised that I need to make some changes in my life. Yes, different people have different ways of doing things. There will always be stronger characters than me. I should stop using that as an excuse, stop feeling sorry for myself and start doing something about it. Maybe its hard to change my personality because thats what makes who I am but I need to learn to use it to my advantage to avoid people’s perception or opinion that I’m always going to be overshadowed.

Boss told us in a meeting today that according to a psychologist, if we want to do something, never say "I’ll try to make it happen". In most cases, you never will. Its all about the mindset. We have to say "I must make it happen. I will make it happen". We must build the self-confidence right from the beginning.

This is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt. You can’t stop people from having opinions of you. I know I’m not entirely that bad. I just have to make some adjustments in my life. I may not be an expressive or a vocal person but that doesn’t make me stupid. I may be reliable, persistant and dedicated to my work but unfortunately, thats not how we play the game in this organisation. So yes, its time for a change.

"I must make it happen. I will make it happen!"