It doesn't matter

There are days when I feel like I’m the ugliest person on earth. No matter what I do to make myself feel or look good, wouldn’t work. My hair would look like it has a mind of its own, I would feel fat and my clothes would feel like they are out of date. Everything about me would seem so blah…so plain…so unattractive. I truly hate these days because I can get so depressed with myself. I can bet the people close to me would become irritated because no matter what they say or do to cheer me up, I wouldn’t believe them.

There are also days when I look at myself in the mirror and think, “Hey, I don’t look that bad. In fact, I look kind of cute”. Hehe…I am ashamed to also admit that sometimes I would pose in front of the mirror, smile to myself and say “Yeah, not bad...not bad at all”. These are the days when I can be overly ‘perasan’ about myself. Sekali-sekala puji diri sendiri. No harm, right?

There are even days when I couldn’t care less with how I looked. No effort at all to dress up and look good. So what if I look like a cow? It’s these days that I just can’t be bothered with my appearance.

But most days I just feel thankful with what I have. I may not have the looks to die for but I don’t think my looks make people throw up either. Some people are so obsessed about looking good that without realizing, they are actually causing unnecessary pressure to others.

I just finished reading this book titled ‘Ugly’ by Constance Briscoe. It’s a true story about how the author was physically and emotionally abused by her mother and stepfather throughout her childhood. Her mother would repeatedly tell her that she is ugly, stupid and worthless. She didn’t get enough food at home and was never bought new clothes. Every Christmas she would get the exact same present. In order to survive, she had to work (started at a young age of 11, I think). Her mother even had the cheek to ask for rent from her! She had other siblings but she was the only one who got abused. Her siblings were too afraid to back her up. Because of this entire trauma she wet her bed at night, up until she was in her mid teens. This caused more anger from her mother and she would become more abusive. Constance was punched, kicked, smacked, etc. I really admire Constance’s strength throughout the period. How could a mother do that to her own child? When reading the story, I could actually feel her mother’s hatred towards her. It’s a sad story. I’m glad she survived all the pain. Despite what her mother said, she was determined to have a successful future. She now practices as a barrister and in 1996 became a part-time judge - one of the first black women to sit as a judge in the UK.

The main lesson I learnt from the book is that we need to be strong regardless of what people say and do to put you down. Have the courage to move on and prove to these people that we can make it in life. We must believe in ourselves. I’m just so thankful I didn't have that kind of childhood and to have family and friends who love and care about me. It was really an inspiring story.

It’s not the end of the world if we don’t have good looks, a great body or whatever. It doesn’t mean you can’t achieve anything in life. Love yourself, believe in yourself and your true qualities will come out. Whenever I'm in my depressing mood, I just need to remind myself to be thankful. And of all the things to be thankful for, at the moment I’m just thankful to be alive.