A bit more time please.....
No doubt..I’m soooo happy for mrsjones. She’s been waiting for this moment for a long time now. But it kept me thinking about myself. How come I’m not ready for another one? Does that make me a bad person?
Its been nearly 3 years. A few friends already have a second baby..some are planning to have one soon. But I haven’t even thought about it yet. I guess I’m happy with the way things are now...or maybe I still feel tired from the first one...or maybe I dread going through the process again.
I don’t want to sound all mengada and tak bersyukur. I know other mothers have had worst problems and for some people, it may be considered normal but I guess for my standard I did kind of had a ‘painful’ experience. Believe me, my pain tolerance is low :). Even remembering those moments makes me shiver with fear....These were the few things I had to endure during and after pregnancy (of course apart from the normal stuff like backache, leg cramps, frequent visits to the toilet, getting tired easily etc)..............
1. My morning sickness turned out to be an ‘all day sickness’. I vomitted 15 times a day. By the time nak tido at night, memang I was sooo lembik. I even lost weight and my gyne was worried about me.
2. My legs started to get itchy after a few months of pregnancy. My feet looked horrendous with all the scars. Couldn’t stop scratching. It was like mosquito bites but it wasnt. I was allergic to something but couldn’t figure out what. This went on for about a month.
3. Due to the constant vomitting, it kind of put pressure to my eyes. The veins in my eyes burst...and my eyes were red for a week. I had to wear glasses for a month. I also had frequent headaches and the pain was in my eye. I had to go through a few tests. My opthomologist wanted to be sure I was ok or else I had to see a neurologist. Thank God it didn't come to that stage.
4. The last 2 months of pregnancy was quite an experience for me. I had this itchy feeling everywhere. Especially on my back. There was constant scratching. Friends were laughing at me because I got to a stage where I didn’t care about embarassing myself and just scratched in public. It was really bad. No amount of lotion, pills or special soap helped reduced it. The dermatologist said its just a pregnancy phase I’m going through. I couldn’t sleep at night and the sweating made the itchiness worse.
5. Of course when D* was born, I was happy and relieved...thinking the pain would be over. But, a different kind of pain emerged. D* cried a lot..and I mean A LOT. I was really close to going through depression. What do they call it? Post natal depression? She was really, really testing my patience. There were times when I just wanted to break down and cry. D* cried when she was hungry, when we wanted to change her, when it was bath time, when she wanted to sleep....the list goes on. Sometimes we didn’t know why she was crying. She didn’t want anyone except for me or the maid. . And you can just imagine the amount of fights I had with the hubby. I was really, really, really tired. I wanted him to help out more but I guess I couldn’t really blame him....D* didn’t want him at all when she was cranky. I got tired even more when I went back to work. D* went through a phase where she would cry from Maghrib until early morning. Sometimes we had to drive her around the neighbourhood at 1am just to calm her down. This went on until she was 6 months. She would still cry and wake up 2 or 3 times at night wanting her milk until she was 2 years plus. There was also a phase when she just didn’t want to sleep at night. She wanted to play with me or the maid until about 5am. This resulted in only 1 or 2 hours sleep for me. I think that was the time I became a zombie and a few times I nearly had an accident coz tertido while driving. There was also the backpain...Serious sakit. Tak boleh duduk lama-lama or even lie on my back. After a few tests and X-Rays, thank god it wasn’t slip disc. Just muscle cramps due to constant bending (banyak tunduk masa jaga D*).
I still feel tired until now. Its not that I don’t want another baby at all, I do...but I guess I’m just afraid to go through that phase again. Macam phobia la. Some people say, maybe the next pregnancy/baby won’t be the same but I’m just too scared to even try. Some people say its a normal thing to go through and I shouldn’t feel this way but I’m still not ready. Does this make me a bad person?
Having said all that, I wouldn’t trade D* for the world. She’s truly the apple of my eye, my sunshine...and I love her to death. She’s at the talkative stage now..always asking questions or making comments. "Ni apa ni mama?", "Buat apa tu mama?"...And everytime she says "I love you mama", it just breaks my heart...The other day she was crying and kept asking for ‘sempit’.."Mama, nak sempit...D* nak sempit". I was cracking my brain..apa benda sempit tu..until the maid pointed out she wanted ‘nasi impit’. Laaaaaaaaa.......
D* absolutely loves babies. When she meets babies or kids younger than her, she would follow them around..acting like a big sister. She dotes on her baby cousin (my brother’s son). My mum says she must feel lonely and wants someone to play with. But what can I do??
Sorry sayang, mama’s just not ready yet.......
Its been nearly 3 years. A few friends already have a second baby..some are planning to have one soon. But I haven’t even thought about it yet. I guess I’m happy with the way things are now...or maybe I still feel tired from the first one...or maybe I dread going through the process again.
I don’t want to sound all mengada and tak bersyukur. I know other mothers have had worst problems and for some people, it may be considered normal but I guess for my standard I did kind of had a ‘painful’ experience. Believe me, my pain tolerance is low :). Even remembering those moments makes me shiver with fear....These were the few things I had to endure during and after pregnancy (of course apart from the normal stuff like backache, leg cramps, frequent visits to the toilet, getting tired easily etc)..............
1. My morning sickness turned out to be an ‘all day sickness’. I vomitted 15 times a day. By the time nak tido at night, memang I was sooo lembik. I even lost weight and my gyne was worried about me.
2. My legs started to get itchy after a few months of pregnancy. My feet looked horrendous with all the scars. Couldn’t stop scratching. It was like mosquito bites but it wasnt. I was allergic to something but couldn’t figure out what. This went on for about a month.
3. Due to the constant vomitting, it kind of put pressure to my eyes. The veins in my eyes burst...and my eyes were red for a week. I had to wear glasses for a month. I also had frequent headaches and the pain was in my eye. I had to go through a few tests. My opthomologist wanted to be sure I was ok or else I had to see a neurologist. Thank God it didn't come to that stage.
4. The last 2 months of pregnancy was quite an experience for me. I had this itchy feeling everywhere. Especially on my back. There was constant scratching. Friends were laughing at me because I got to a stage where I didn’t care about embarassing myself and just scratched in public. It was really bad. No amount of lotion, pills or special soap helped reduced it. The dermatologist said its just a pregnancy phase I’m going through. I couldn’t sleep at night and the sweating made the itchiness worse.
5. Of course when D* was born, I was happy and relieved...thinking the pain would be over. But, a different kind of pain emerged. D* cried a lot..and I mean A LOT. I was really close to going through depression. What do they call it? Post natal depression? She was really, really testing my patience. There were times when I just wanted to break down and cry. D* cried when she was hungry, when we wanted to change her, when it was bath time, when she wanted to sleep....the list goes on. Sometimes we didn’t know why she was crying. She didn’t want anyone except for me or the maid. . And you can just imagine the amount of fights I had with the hubby. I was really, really, really tired. I wanted him to help out more but I guess I couldn’t really blame him....D* didn’t want him at all when she was cranky. I got tired even more when I went back to work. D* went through a phase where she would cry from Maghrib until early morning. Sometimes we had to drive her around the neighbourhood at 1am just to calm her down. This went on until she was 6 months. She would still cry and wake up 2 or 3 times at night wanting her milk until she was 2 years plus. There was also a phase when she just didn’t want to sleep at night. She wanted to play with me or the maid until about 5am. This resulted in only 1 or 2 hours sleep for me. I think that was the time I became a zombie and a few times I nearly had an accident coz tertido while driving. There was also the backpain...Serious sakit. Tak boleh duduk lama-lama or even lie on my back. After a few tests and X-Rays, thank god it wasn’t slip disc. Just muscle cramps due to constant bending (banyak tunduk masa jaga D*).
I still feel tired until now. Its not that I don’t want another baby at all, I do...but I guess I’m just afraid to go through that phase again. Macam phobia la. Some people say, maybe the next pregnancy/baby won’t be the same but I’m just too scared to even try. Some people say its a normal thing to go through and I shouldn’t feel this way but I’m still not ready. Does this make me a bad person?
Having said all that, I wouldn’t trade D* for the world. She’s truly the apple of my eye, my sunshine...and I love her to death. She’s at the talkative stage now..always asking questions or making comments. "Ni apa ni mama?", "Buat apa tu mama?"...And everytime she says "I love you mama", it just breaks my heart...The other day she was crying and kept asking for ‘sempit’.."Mama, nak sempit...D* nak sempit". I was cracking my brain..apa benda sempit tu..until the maid pointed out she wanted ‘nasi impit’. Laaaaaaaaa.......
D* absolutely loves babies. When she meets babies or kids younger than her, she would follow them around..acting like a big sister. She dotes on her baby cousin (my brother’s son). My mum says she must feel lonely and wants someone to play with. But what can I do??
Sorry sayang, mama’s just not ready yet.......
posted by trueblue @ 8:52 pm
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